To set a boundary, state what you will or will not do, say it briefly and calmly, and decide in advance what you will do if it is crossed. A boundary is about your own actions, not about controlling someone else. "I can't take on another project this week" is a boundary. "You need to stop asking me" is a demand. Below are wording examples for family, work, friends and partners, with a kind version and a firmer version of each.
What a boundary actually is
A boundary is a limit on what you will accept, do or share, paired with what you will do to look after that limit. It is not a punishment, and it does not require the other person to agree. Many people find it easier once they see that the sentence has two parts: the limit ("I won't discuss my weight at dinner") and the follow-through ("if it comes up, I'll leave the table").
Some NHS talking therapy services teach this through the idea of assertiveness. One assertiveness workbook from CNWL Talking Therapies describes three styles: passive (putting others' rights and needs ahead of your own), aggressive (putting your own ahead of others') and assertive, which it defines as "respecting our rights and needs, and those of others equally." Boundary-setting sits in that third style.
Kind versus firm wording
Most situations have more than one reasonable level of response. Start with the lightest version that is likely to work, and move to a firmer one only if the first is ignored.
- Kind: warm, brief, gives a reason or an alternative. Good for first requests and for people who usually respect you.
- Firm: no extra reason, no apology, repeats the limit. Good when you have already asked once, or when the person tends to push.
You do not owe anyone a long explanation. The workbook above suggests simple refusals such as "Unfortunately I can't take on anything else at the moment," and notes that if a direct no feels hard, you can begin with "I'll have to think about it" and build up from there.
Examples for family
Family boundaries are often hardest because the patterns are old.
- Unannounced visits. Kind: "We'd love to see you. Can you text first so we can pick a good time?" Firm: "We're not available for drop-in visits. Please call ahead."
- Comments about your body, job or relationships. Kind: "I know you care, but I'd rather not discuss that." Firm: "I'm not going to talk about that. If it continues, I'll end the call."
- Money requests. Kind: "I can't lend money right now." Firm: "I don't lend money. I hope you find a solution."
Examples for work
- Extra tasks. Kind: "I can take that on if we move the report deadline. Which one is the priority?" Firm: "I'm at capacity this week, so I can't take it on."
- Messages outside hours. Kind: "I'll see this in the morning and reply then." Firm: "I don't answer messages after 6 pm. If something is urgent, please call."
- Meetings with no purpose. Kind: "Could you share the agenda? I want to be sure I'm useful there." Firm: "I'm going to skip this one and read the notes."
If work stress is wearing you down, the burnout assessment can help you see where you are, and what your burnout score means explains the results.
Examples for friends
- A friend who vents without asking. Kind: "I want to support you, but I don't have the energy for a heavy conversation tonight. Can we talk tomorrow?" Firm: "I can't be your only support for this. Have you thought about talking to someone professional?"
- Last-minute cancellations. Kind: "When plans change at the last minute I feel let down. Can we agree to tell each other earlier?" Firm: "I'm not going to hold the evening free any more. Let me know once you're sure."
- Social invitations you don't want. Kind: "Thanks for asking, I'm going to rest this weekend." Firm: "No thank you, I won't be coming."
Examples for partners
With a partner, the aim is usually a shared agreement, not a one-sided rule. Using "I" statements helps, because describing your own feelings tends to be less likely to make someone defensive than describing their behaviour. The CNWL workbook gives the example "I feel upset by your behaviour" in place of "you're acting inappropriately."
- Needing time alone. Kind: "I love being with you, and I also need an hour alone after work to feel like myself." Firm: "I need the next hour to myself. I'll come find you after."
- Phone or privacy. Kind: "I'd like my messages to stay private. I'm happy to talk if something worries you." Firm: "I'm not comfortable with you reading my phone."
- Raising your voice. Kind: "I want to work this out, but I can't when we're shouting. Can we take twenty minutes?" Firm: "I'm leaving the room until we can speak calmly."
How to prepare before you say it
- Name the situation and how it affects you. One sentence is enough.
- Choose the limit. What will you do or not do?
- Pick kind or firm wording. Write it down so you are not improvising.
- Decide the follow-through. What will you do if it is ignored?
- Practise out loud once. Your voice will feel steadier on the day.
The boundary script generator can help you draft wording for your own situation. If the words feel too big to say face to face, writing them first can help; see letter to your therapist examples for how a written draft can clarify what you want to say.
What to expect afterwards
Guilt is common, especially if you are used to saying yes. Guilt does not always mean the boundary was wrong; it can mean the pattern is new. People may also push back at first. Repeating the same calm sentence usually works better than adding new explanations. If someone repeatedly ignores a limit, you can adjust what you do rather than what they do.
If you often struggle with this, it can help to note afterwards what you said, how it went and how you felt. A mental health tracker or a mental health journal makes those patterns easier to see, and a therapist can help you practise.
When to get support
Boundaries are not a substitute for safety. If someone in your life is threatening you, controlling you or hurting you, please contact a licensed professional, a local support service, or emergency services or a crisis line in your country. You do not have to handle that alone.
Sources and further reading
- Assertiveness Workbook (CNWL Talking Therapies) - passive, assertive and aggressive styles, example refusals and "I" statements.
- Assertiveness Pack (Centre for Clinical Interventions), Nottinghamshire Healthcare NHS Foundation Trust - lists structured assertiveness modules, including one on saying no, used by an NHS trust.
Where Symplia fits
Symplia is a private mental health app for tracking, journaling and reflection. You can write out what you want to say in a journal entry or an Unsent Letter before a hard conversation, and use Session Prep to bring boundary struggles to therapy. It is not therapy and does not replace a licensed professional.
Try Symplia free at app.symplia.app. Monthly and Annual plans include a 7-day free trial.
Frequently asked questions
What is an example of a healthy boundary?
"I can't lend money, but I'm happy to help you look at other options" is one. It states a limit, avoids blame and offers what you are willing to do.
Is setting boundaries selfish?
Many people find the opposite: clearer limits let them show up more consistently for others. Assertiveness is commonly described as respecting your needs and other people's needs equally.
How do I set a boundary without feeling guilty?
Keep the wording short, skip over-explaining, and expect some guilt at first. Guilt often eases with practice, and it does not by itself mean the boundary is unfair.
What do I do if someone ignores my boundary?
Repeat it once calmly, then act on the follow-through you chose, such as ending the call or leaving the room. Your action is the boundary; their agreement is not required.
Can I set boundaries by text instead of in person?
Yes. Writing can feel safer and gives you time to choose your words. Keep it brief and specific, and avoid long justifications.
Should I bring boundary problems to therapy?
It can be very useful. A therapist can help you work out why certain limits feel hard and practise wording with you.
